I have been trying to keep it together for a while, for the kids, for the rest of the family and for my business but yesterday and today I just can't stop crying.
For those of you that don't already know my grandad, my hero has Cancer, its not the kind that goes away, we did the chemo and the radiotherapy and its here to stay.
I now don't have much notion of time, I opened the Boutique on the 28th of April 2012 as it was his birthday, I struggled to keep to that deadline but I did it for him.
He was supposed to visit that day and put his mind at rest that I was going to be OK, I know I am going to be fine, I am a fighter and have always been but my grandad is old fashioned, doesn't understand the internet, let alone business on the internet.
Unfortunately on that day he had very high temperature and was unwell, unfortunately since that day he still hasn't been well enough to go out of the house and things have turned to worse and he is now in hospital.
I don't think he is going to come back home, he is only awake for short periods of time as he is so weak and the blood transfusion yesterday hasn't exactly done wonders.
When I am not at the boutique, I am in the hospital and eventually go home to sleep and the cycle happens all over again. I have been trying to keep it together for everyone involved but lately too many things have happened, like some stupid idiot scamming us of £700 (police are investigating) me suddenly appearing with all these stupid health problems (I really don't have time to worry about me now) and on top of everything else to add to the mix a bit of bullying.
I am the pillar for my family, which most mums probably are, and I am one of the pillars for my wider family, (Grandparents, brothers, untie, mum & dad), we are a close family... but yesterday it was just too much and I broke down.
I just want my grandad to last a few more months, be able to smile again and see the Summer, my grandad loves the Summer he has always been an outdoors person, very active, a body builder and now in his 70s he had a body that would make a 30 year old envious only a month ago.
He deserves one more Summer, a Summer to watch his great grandkids playing in the garden and eat some more strawberries grown in our garden since he can no longer tend to his land and eat the fruit from it like he has done for many years.
Please pray for my grandad to miraculously pull out of this one.
And although he doesn't understand the words and he is too poorly to listen to it and for me to explain I share with you this song that I heard today and made me brake down into tears:-
My grandad brought me up and I thank him for loving me and taking care of me while I was a kid.